Sometimes I feel so alone right in the middle of a crowd for being too different and thus too distant. And sometimes I have a feeling that it’s not just me but surrounding people feel uneasy about my seemingly not ‘being there’ too. So at times, I try to figure out a way to ease this discomfort for both myself and other people around me.
But I don’t want to ‘fix me’ intrinsically. I’m simply born with this mentality, no matter how dark it seems to people. So I just wonder whether I should make myself externally ‘look’ like people or not.
have been telling apart appearance and so-called ‘soul’. But today I suddenly realize how similar they are. Just as I can use cosmetics for my face, I can cover what looks ‘ugly’ to people in my mentality.
I prefer light make-up through which I can still recognize the flaws of my face, though less apparently. But what about the side of my character that makes that distance between me and the others around? Should I wear a ‘thick make-up’ on it to make myself more ‘adorable’ in people’s eyes?
Today, at one moment, I suddenly realize that the answer is no.
I want not only beauty but also this ugliness – all that I’m born with – to be visible so that those who are supposed to find me can recognize me in the crowd.