[Inspired by Books] Tobie Lolness and How much can we love?


I used to want to remain single for my whole life and adopt a child as my son or my daughter.

Quite a few people thought that I was crazy. Others told me that that wouldn’t work because moms can never love an adopted child as much as a biological one. (Yes, that ‘never’ was emphasized.) So many people told me so that I started to be somewhat convinced.

About 3 months ago, I read Tobie Lolness, one of my favorite novels, again. Once again, I was amazed at how Tobie’s adoptive parents love him.

Sim and Maia love Tobie so much that I still remembered how surprised I was in the first read to find out that they turned out to be not his biological parents. Of course, I was no longer taken by surprise this time, yet their love, though fictional, still ‘stirred’ me. I was triggered to think about adoption again. Is it only imaginary that adoptive parents can love an adopted child as if he were their biological son? Do such people like Sim and Maia only exist in fiction? Are they an exception to the ‘perceived truth’ that adoptive parents can never love their adopted child with all their hearts?

One day, I asked myself, what if I were not my parents’ biological daughter, which might be absolutely possible if the nurse had given my parents the wrong baby more than twenty years ago. Now let’s suppose that that were the case. Then if it’s true that parents can’t fully love a child whom they don’t have biological connection with, my parents would have felt something like, ‘Sorry beloved daughter, we don’t know why but we just can’t love you as much as we want.’ They would have ‘reserved’ some love in their heart without pouring it all out for me.

However, I’m confident that they can’t love me any little bit more because they have always been loving me to the fullest, and that they can’t possibly love any other child more than they love me ever. Then isn’t that a conflict with the ‘perceived truth’ of love mentioned above?

Do I think that my parents have loved me to the fullest? Yes. What if I were not their biological daughter? That they love me with all their hearts has already happened, regardless of my origin.

Then I thought of billions of people out there. There must be parents who happen to be raising kids of different blood without being aware of that AND love them with all their hearts, which also means that it’s really possible that moms and dads can love a child who doesn’t share the same blood with them as much as they love a biological child.

It became so clear to me. I came to realize that it is actually just a perceptional matter. How much we can love depends on how much we THINK we can love. It isn’t a matter of blood that limits the reach of our heart. It’s our prejudice. If a mom believes that she can’t love this child fully, she won’t. And if a mom and a dad believe that they are the next Sim and Maia, I think they will be.

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